Deep in Denial
by Cress
Summary: Renamed, since the plot is less about sex than about Monica helping to cure Chandler. Contains Joey:Chandler slash.
1. Go Me

[This experimental story takes place in a vague future time, at least after episode 910, TOW Christmas in Tulsa. It also mentions incidents from many past episodes, including 110 (TOW The Monkey), 214 (TOW The Prom Video), 315 (TOW Ross and Rachel Take a Break), and 610, (TOW The Routine).  
  
Plot: Chandler and Monica still haven't conceived a baby, and that's not the only problem they have. He's more in denial than in my other story "The Ongoing Affair".]  
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"Ahhh!" Monica screamed furiously. She hastily tied a short silk robe over her naked body and stormed out of the bedroom into the living room. "That's it!" She violently knocked over a table and didn't even pick it up. "That's it! It's over!"  
  
Chandler took a bit longer to follow her, but he finally left the bedroom wrapped in a big, thick bathrobe. "I didn't say it!" he insisted.  
  
She turned to him incredulously. "I heard you! You said 'Joey!'"  
  
He shushed her loudly, fearing that their friend across the hall might hear her. "I did not say, 'Joey'! I said--"  
  
"Don't lie to me! You said--" she only acquiesced to his request for lowered voices because she didn't want Joey interrupting them. "You said 'Joey', not 'Go me'. I'm not deaf!"  
  
"Mon, this is crazy. Why would I say 'Joey' while we're having sex?"  
  
She rolled her eyes. "Because you're gay? Because you want him?"  
  
"I'm *not* gay and I don't want him! How do I convince you?"  
  
"For starters, stop saying his name in bed!"  
  
"I'm not--!" He sighed and tried to speak calmly. "Monica, I swear this is all in your head. I don't know why you've developed this paranoid jealousy lately, but--"  
  
"I'm not paranoid!" She stomped her foot. "I'm not hearing things! I'm not getting hormonal on the fertility drugs! Will you quit with the excuses already?"  
  
"They're not excuses!" He couldn't believe they were having this argument again instead of having sex. No wonder he couldn't impregnate her.  
  
"Ugh!" she fumed. "You know, I can settle this right now! I've got proof this time!" She ran back into the bedroom and retrieved a mini tape recorder from the bed. "I hid this under the pillow and turned the microphone volume all the way up." She rewound the last few minutes of the tape, and then played it for him.  
  
After general sex noises, there came forth the sudden passionate moan of "Joey." It was as clear as a bell.  
  
She smugly waited for a reaction, but Chandler was completely unfazed.  
  
"See?" He chuckled hysterically, "Wow, I haven't won an argument in years. Go me!"  
  
Monica stared at him in disbelief. She rewound the tape and played it again.  
  
He shrugged, still feeling completely vindicated. "You can play it all you want. It's not gonna change the tape."  
  
"Oh my God," she whispered.  
  
Chandler looked condescending. "Honey, I'm sorry you went to all that trouble just to prove me right. Come on, I'll make it up to you in bed--"  
  
She pulled away from his grasp, horrified. "Did your parents' divorce mess you up that bad, Chandler? Are you so much in denial that you honestly think this tape says 'Go me'?"  
  
He frowned at her, confused. "Mon, you heard the tape--"  
  
"I heard it." She sank down on the couch, feeling numb all over.  
  
"Mon?" He tried to hold her, but she cringed and wouldn't let him, so he sat down across from her. "Monica, I know that we--all of us, really--have joked about me being gay. Ha, ha, lots of laughs. But seriously, we're *married*. I love you. Why would I suddenly, recently, start moaning Joey's name during sex?"  
  
She stared at him, almost in tears. "Because you've reached your breaking point in your self-deception. Because you don't have the energy anymore to pretend that you want me instead of Joey."  
  
"Mon, we have got to get you off the drugs--"  
  
"Stop it!" she yelled in frustration. "Stop it! You can lie to yourself, but not to me! You want him so bad, it isn't funny." She swallowed sadly. "I think you love him."  
  
"I love him as a friend," Chandler insisted. "Just a friend."  
  
"Shut up! At least Carol told Ross she was a lesbian, but you, you make me find out for myself and tell you!" She got up, clutching the tape recorder. "If you really think this tape says 'Go me', then I'm gonna go across the hall and play it for Joey."  
  
"Don't!" He stood up.  
  
Monica turned around, relieved. Maybe her husband had just been trying to bluff after all. "See, you know it says 'Joey' too!"  
  
"It does not!" Chandler rolled his eyes. "But you're naked under that! You're not seeing anybody, least of all Joey, like that!"  
  
"Then I'll get dressed!" She headed to the bedroom.  
  
"Mon, please. Don't embarrass yourself like this. Calm down and tomorrow we'll take you to the doctor to see what's wrong with you--"  
  
"Yeah, *I'm* the one who needs a doctor!" She slammed the bedroom door and locked it.  
  
Monica sat down on their bed and cried for a while. Why couldn't she have found this out before they got married? Shouldn't she have been able to see past all the jokes? Then again, Ross didn't know about Carol for all the years they dated and were married, and Chandler's mom didn't know about Chandler's dad for years, either. If only there were some sort of gayness test, like the blood test you take before getting your marriage license!  
  
Too late for that now. She had to face up to reality, just as much as Chandler did. How could he still be so deluded after hearing the tape? Monica rewound it and played it again. Yep, Joey.  
  
She sighed and had second thoughts about playing the tape for Joey. If she did, how would Joey react? How would Chandler? She feared that her husband might become even nuttier once there was a witness to confirm her side of the story. Not just any witness, either, but the actual object of his repressed desires: Joey.  
  
So Monica decided against such a brutal confrontation. Maybe she should just go along with Chandler's plan to see the doctor tomorrow. Then she could play the tape for the doctor, and get recommendations for a shrink to help Chandler deal with his feelings.  
  
She also better ask Ross for the phone number of his divorce lawyer. She hated the thought of divorce, but she certainly couldn't just stay and play along with Chandler's mind games. 


	2. The Plan

"Monica!" Chandler finally knocked on their bedroom door. "Come on, let me in."  
  
She didn't respond, just sitting sadly on the bed.  
  
He knocked again. "Please be reasonable! I'm your husband."  
  
"Yeah, my incredibly gay husband!" Why couldn't he just leave her alone tonight and sleep in the guest room, like any other time they had a fight?  
  
"I'm not gay!" He sounded exasperated. "Look, I thought we were trying to make a baby! You said this was your last day of ovulation this month. Don't you still want a baby?"  
  
Of course she did! But not like this. Having a baby would only complicate their divorce. Yes, Ross, Carol, Susan, and Ben had a great untraditional family now, but Monica doubted that she and Chandler could be as successful, with him being so freakishly closeted.  
  
"Mon!" he whined.  
  
She was becoming fed up. "I don't want you to touch me anymore! You know what? All those times you got jealous over Richard, it was just to distract me from the fact that I should be jealous about Joey."  
  
"That's not true! Come on, Monica, why'd you marry me if I'm supposedly gay?"  
  
"Apparently I had the same blind spot that Ross had with Carol."  
  
"Will you listen to me? I'm not Carol. I'm not my dad. How do I get through to you? How--"  
  
"Shut up!" she screamed again. Getting up from the bed, she furiously unlocked the door and yanked it open. "Fine, you wanna prove you're not gay?"  
  
"Yes! Just tell me how."  
  
"Oh, I'll tell you, all right!" Some of her old competitive streak was returning, and she issued the sudden threat, "We're having a threesome with Joey."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"You heard me. I'm gonna invite Joey to come join us, and then we'll all see whose name you moan."  
  
"Are you nuts?"  
  
She simply went to her mirror and started to clean up the traces of tears on her face. "I won't even tell him about the tape, so it'll be a nice little surprise."  
  
"Monica!" He went to grab her shoulders.  
  
She shook him off. "I said don't touch me! Look, Chandler, I can divorce you and get on with my life just fine..."  
  
"Hey!" He was offended that she could talk so lightly about divorcing him.  
  
She dismissed his outburst. "I can find some new guy to love, or even just forget about that and get a sperm donor so that I can have a baby already. But you--you can't do this to another woman, or to yourself. Somebody's got to fix you before you sink any deeper into this delusion of yours."  
  
"And a threesome is how you fix me?" His voice dripped of sarcasm.  
  
She looked vindictive. "I bet you won't come up with excuses so easy if you actually found yourself in bed with Joey, and the blood suddenly left your brain!"  
  
He sputtered at the mental image. "W-we're not having a threesome!"  
  
"Why, are you scared?!" she taunted him.  
  
"No! Nothing would happen except me throwing Joey out of the bed. He, he wouldn't agree to a threesome anyway."  
  
"Oh really?"  
  
"Yes, really! Unlike *some people*, he has respect for our marriage vows!"  
  
"Don't be so sure! Joey's had threesomes before, and he's wanted me for years, ever since he first moved in with you and got naked in my living room. I mean, do you remember how he asked me to sleep with him, in exchange for keeping our secret? And you told me yourself that Joey asked you what sex with me was like, and you've seen him still giving me the eyes even after you and I got married."  
  
"So, so you're gonna have sex with him?!" Chandler stared at her wide-eyed. "To get revenge on me?"  
  
"No! I just have to make him think that I'll have sex with him! I'll tell him that you and I have agreed to do one last wild, crazy thing before we have a baby: a threesome with him! Can you imagine what he'd be like if he got *permission* from you? When Joey tries to do it with me, I'll say that first he has turn me on by kissing you--with tongue--for one whole minute!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Oh, he'll have you moaning and begging in half that time!"  
  
"He will not! He--What makes you even think I am gonna sit by and cooperate with this?"  
  
"Because if you don't, I am gonna divorce you so fast, and tell every stranger who'll listen just how gay and in denial you are! Once that gossip spreads through the city, there won't be any unsuspecting women left for you to fool!" She scoffed. "Who knows? Maybe it'll even force you to deal with your feelings for Joey."  
  
"I don't have feelings--!"  
  
"You have the Hoover Dam of repressed feelings for Joey, ready to burst through at any moment! Your 'Joey' sex moans are just the first cracks in the dam!"  
  
"Arggh!" He felt like pulling out his hair and kicking something.  
  
"So what's it gonna be?" she demanded. "Are you gonna do the threesome, or should I just divorce you and let you work this out with a shrink for God knows how many years?"  
  
"There's nothing *to* work out, except for your paranoid jealousy!"  
  
"If you're so sure of yourself, Chandler, why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Just go along with the threesome and let Joey kiss you. If I'm right, you'll love it and maybe even have a major emotional breakthrough. If I'm wrong--like that'll happen!--I'll go see a doctor, a shrink, a marriage counselor, whatever you think I need."  
  
"And the threesome?!"  
  
She shrugged. "I'm only asking Joey to kiss you, not do you! It's me he'll be after, and I can just tell him 'Sorry, I don't think I can do this after all.' I'm too nervous or I'm not really that wild."  
  
Chandler couldn't believe that she could gloss over the threesome so casually, as if it were a minor point. "That's a fine way to treat our friend, whom you've invited over for sex!"  
  
She rolled her eyes and mocked him. "Why do you care? Do you *love* him?"  
  
"No!" He became defensive again.  
  
"Joey will be fine! It's not like he can't go out and put together another threesome for himself. It's not like I'm Rachel and he's got a crush on me."  
  
"You're the one who said he's wanted you for years."  
  
"Yeah, but he flirts with me like he flirts with Phoebe. Or like he flirted with Rachel before he got all emotionally involved."  
  
Chandler folded his arms stubbornly. "It's still a rotten plan, and I'm not gonna play along!"  
  
"Fine! Then I guess we'll do it the hard way. I'll call Ross and get the number of his divorce lawyer."  
  
"Mon!" How had their fight escalated this far? "Why are you throwing away our marriage so quickly? Don't you love me?"  
  
She pointed at him. "Hey, my love for you is not in doubt, Mister! It's your love and your sexuality that have been misrepresented." She started dialing.  
  
"Mon!" he grabbed the phone from her.  
  
"Don't touch me!" she shouted, dropping the phone on his foot. "God, why can't you do something healthy, like go across the hall and hump Joey?"  
  
At least the phone was hung up before she said that. Chandler sat on their bed, wincing and cradling his foot. "You have a sick, sick brain!"  
  
"If you love Joey, it's not sick. Who knows, maybe he even wants you back? It's not like you guys have never been in compromising positions before."  
  
"We never had sex!"  
  
"But you have kissed!"  
  
"Once, at New Year's! He caught me off guard!"  
  
"Yes, and guess who has a reprint of the photo, in his private stash under his gym bag, in the back of closet!"  
  
"You've been snooping! You--" He realized belatedly that he should stop, because why should he hide that photo, or have a secret stash at all?  
  
"Suddenly you run out of excuses, huh? Phoebe and Rachel found that stash years ago, and they told me all about the old letters from your gay dad, the embarrassing family pictures, and the engraved 'to my best bud' bracelet. All I did was find the secret compartment to your jewelry box!"  
  
Chandler wouldn't look at her, nor answer, and he got very quiet.  
  
Was that all it took to silence him? The mention of that photo? Why? All their friends knew about that New Year's kiss, and Ross's photo of it, just like they all knew about the gold bracelet that Joey once bought for Chandler. Why should the mention of these harmless relics upset Chandler this much?  
  
When he first began moaning Joey's name, and she believed he was deliberately lying to her, Monica had ransacked his stash hoping to find an incriminating diary, or photos of Joey naked, but there was nothing definitely sexual nor recent in the embarrassing stash, so she had resorted to the tape recorder for her proof.  
  
Apparently, though, the bracelet and the photo *were* damning proof in Chandler's eyes. Clearly, these keepsakes haunted him deeply, to the point where he couldn't acknowledge them or even throw them away after all these years.  
  
"You love him," she repeated quietly, watching his face.  
  
He still wouldn't answer, completely withdrawn.  
  
She came closer and spoke gently, "If you're scared Joey will reject you, if that's what's been holding you back--"  
  
"Stop it, stop it!" he finally responded. "It doesn't mean anything! Those--those were just things that I wanted to forget, and I have forgotten, and I'm not like that."  
  
"Chandler!"  
  
He was breaking down. "If you were any kind of wife, you'd help me forget, not drag it all up!"  
  
"I'm not dragging it up! You're doing it yourself. The tape says 'Joey'."  
  
"It doesn't!" He desperately ran out of the room and into the guest room. By the time he remembered that the door had no lock, it was too late to run for the bathroom, so he retreated to the far side of the bed and curled into a ball on the floor.  
  
Monica came in and found him there sobbing. "Chandler," she whispered.  
  
"He doesn't love me," he whimpered, hiding his face. "He doesn't-- All those girls and he never once..."  
  
She sighed and couldn't help wanting to comfort him. She did still love him, after all. "Maybe, maybe he didn't know what you wanted. You should've told him."  
  
"I couldn't, I--" Chandler swallowed and moaned a little.  
  
"Then tell him now. Ask him how he feels."  
  
"No," Chandler choked miserably. "No, he's straight."  
  
Monica persisted. "Maybe not completely. He could be bisexual, you know?"  
  
Chandler shook his head. If Joey were bi, why wouldn't he be as much of a slut with guys as he was with women?  
  
"You know, um, while you were in Tulsa, Joey used to come by at night to steal your pillow from the bed. I woke up once while he was taking it and nearly screamed, thinking he was a burglar or a rapist. But then I recognized him, and saw him sniff the pillow for your scent, before he sneaked out with it. I thought it was child-like, the way he missed you. But maybe I was wrong about that, like I was wrong about marrying you."  
  
Chandler didn't know if he wanted to believe her or not.  
  
"We, um, we can still do that threesome thing, you know? Not to prove you're gay, but to test his feelings. I mean, if he agrees to it and looks at you... differently, I guess--"  
  
Chandler interrupted discouragingly. "We talked about a threesome before."  
  
"You did?"  
  
He nodded. "Chloe, that girl from the Xerox place, invited us both to a nightclub. We talked about what we'd do if she wasn't kidding about a threesome. Joey assumed we'd both do Chloe, and we discussed rules so that we wouldn't see or touch each other."  
  
"Oh," she frowned. "Did you ever go through with it?"  
  
"No. That was the night she went home with Ross."  
  
"Well, how do you know Joey wasn't just trying to put you at ease? How do you know he wasn't just waiting to see how you'd respond? I mean, did you ever talk about it again?"  
  
Chandler shook his head.  
  
"Then you don't know. Let's, let's just try the threesome. I'll ask him to kiss you, and you can tell if he likes it or not. Maybe he'll moan too." She shrugged and whispered, "Even if he doesn't want you back, we can tell him that you just got excited in the heat of the moment and still end the threesome. No harm done, and you can go back to being friends."  
  
Chandler slowly turned and looked at her. 


	3. The Asking

Later that night, Monica went across the hall and knocked on Joey's door, still wearing just her slinky robe. "Hi, Joey," she smiled seductively.  
  
"Hi!" he leered, before he remembered that it was wrong for him to stare. "Monica!" he coughed and covered his eyes, "Wh-what are you doing?"  
  
She giggled and pulled the hand from over his eyes. "You'll see."  
  
"Huh?" he stared at her bewilderedly.  
  
"Chandler and I have a surprise for you. Come here." She pulled him into their apartment, and locked the door.  
  
Monica had cleaned up the overturned table, and filled the apartment with candles. Plus, the drapes were also closed over the big window, to make sure that Ross wouldn't see anything from his apartment.  
  
Still looking somewhat distressed and worried, Chandler sat in his robe on the couch. What if Joey didn't want him? Could he take the rejection? Could he take the suspicion if Joey noticed how much Chandler ached for the kiss?  
  
"Chandler?" Joey felt like he was intruding on an obviously romantic scene. "What's going on? --Oh, did you take a test? Are you pregnant?"  
  
"No, not yet," Monica smiled, pulling him further into the apartment. She sat him down on the couch next to Chandler before taking a seat on the end for herself.  
  
Chandler was deeply aware of how close Joey sat to him. His mere presence created a sort of electricity in Chandler's own skin. The thoughts and sensations that had lain dormant in him for years were quickly coming back to life with painful intensity, and he wasn't sure he could handle it.  
  
"Chandler, are you cold?" Joey saw him shivering. He reached for a blanket from the couch and wrapped him in it.  
  
Monica saw Chandler's look and put her hand on Joey's knee to distract him.  
  
"Mon!" Joey turned and frowned at her, shocked by her behavior.  
  
She just shrugged. "You know that surprise I told you about, Joey?"  
  
"Yeah?" Joey gave her a stern look as he pushed her hand off his thigh.  
  
Monica smiled. "Well, you see, Chandler and I were, um, just discussing how much our lives are gonna change when the baby comes. Being up all night with the crying, never having time for sex--"  
  
Joey interrupted, "Oh, I'll babysit for you, so you can have time together. I know what I'm doing because I babysat all my nieces and nephews--"  
  
"Joey, Joey!" she patted his arm patiently. "That's very nice, but I wasn't finished yet."  
  
"Oh. Sorry."  
  
"It's okay. So, anyway, we got to thinking, and we, um, we decided to ask you something very special..."  
  
"Oh!" Joey's eyes lit up. "Are you asking me to be the godfather? Yes!" He hugged both Monica and Chandler in his excitement.  
  
Chandler tensed at the embrace, becoming breathless and flushed.  
  
Monica noticed and pulled Joey off her husband. "Joey, Joey! That's not the favor I meant."  
  
"It isn't?" he looked disappointed. "You're not asking Ross, are you? Oh, man!"  
  
"No, no! We're not even thinking about that. It's something else, really! Joey--" When he kept pouting, she gave up and went along. "Fine, yes, we want you to be the godfather. Of course we do, Joey."  
  
"Yay!" Joey cheered up and hugged them both again. "I love you guys!"  
  
Chandler bit his lip against saying something, especially when Joey kissed his cheek and happily remarked, "Hey, you know, this means we're gonna be like brothers!"  
  
"Oh, Joey!" Monica searched for something to say to mend the disaster.  
  
Chandler just slipped out of Joey's arms and got up, walking away to the locked closet at the end of the hall, where he put his head against the door. He wished he could lock himself inside. If only getting back into the metaphorical closet was that easy; at least when he lied to himself, he could be near Joey without being aware of this painful heartache.  
  
"Chandler?" Joey looked puzzled and started to get up. "What's wrong?"  
  
Monica got up and pushed Joey back down. "Nothing, nothing! Don't worry about it. Just wait here." She hurried and joined Chandler at the closet. "It's okay," she whispered.  
  
He shook his head. "I told you, he doesn't want me. He never--"  
  
"Chandler, stop it!" she rubbed his back comfortingly. "Remember the pillow? Remember Chloe? Trust me, you don't talk about having a threesome with your brother."  
  
"Exactly! I--"  
  
"Shh! Let me just ask him, okay?"  
  
She didn't even let Chandler respond, dragging him by the arm back into the living room.  
  
Joey stood up and stared at Chandler with concern. "What is it?"  
  
Monica dismissed it with a wave of her hand. "Oh, nothing. We were just arguing about who gets to ask you the next thing."  
  
"Next thing?"  
  
"Yeah," she hurried to keep from being interrupted, "we want a threesome."  
  
Joey stammered, "A, a what?"  
  
"A threesome," she repeated coolly, and motioned Joey to sit.  
  
Chandler tried to protest, but Monica firmly seated him on the couch and cleared her throat warningly.  
  
"Yes!" she insisted as Joey slowly sank to the couch again. "That's I actually what I meant to ask you first. You see, before we have a baby, we want to do one last wild, crazy thing... you."  
  
"Me?" Joey stared at her blankly.  
  
Chandler wanted to say that it was a joke, or that Monica was hopped up on fertility drugs, but she saw it coming.  
  
"Chandler!" she cut him off impatiently. "I know that I already got to ask him to be godfather, but I didn't mean to. It was an accident, okay? Don't pout!"  
  
Joey suddenly smiled. "He wanted to ask me?"  
  
Monica nodded, and Chandler blinked in surprise, actually having hope as he looked into Joey's eyes now. "You--you want to?"  
  
"Yeah!" Joey answered with a laugh. "I said yes, remember?"  
  
Chandler realized that Joey was talking about being godfather.  
  
Joey hugged him again. "I shouldn't have interrupted so much. It would've been great coming from you instead of Monica. And you know, if I ever have my own kid, I'd ask you."  
  
Chandler nodded and kept his sad face turned away. He wanted to retreat into his bedroom and forget about the whole threesome idea.  
  
Before Chandler could pull away, Monica joined the hug, sandwiching her husband in the middle. "Doesn't this feel nice?" she laughed, and then prompted, "What about our other question, Joey? You know, the threesome?"  
  
Joey had forgotten that. "Oh," he sat up and started to pull away too, but Monica held on tight.  
  
"Come on!" she coaxed, making eyes at him and rubbing his arm fondly. "Don't act so innocent. We all know you've had threesomes before, Joey."  
  
"Well yeah, but that's different." He wanted to sit back and get a look at Chandler, but Monica's grip, as always, was freakishly strong.  
  
"Please, Joey!" she implored. "It's just for one night, and it would make us so happy if you were a part of this." She tried to kiss his cheek.  
  
Joey dodged as best as he could. "But--but you're married."  
  
"I know! That's what makes it so naughty, and so exciting!" She giggled flirtatiously. "Come on, like you haven't still hit on me, Joey! You're shameless even when Chandler's around."  
  
Joey shrugged and looked sheepish. "I can't help it. It's who I am."  
  
She nodded and ran her fingers through Joey's hair. "And that's exactly why you're the one we want to do this with."  
  
Joey frowned, struggling with his conscience. "I mean, I never seriously thought you'd say yes or anything. If you ever wanted to cheat on Chandler, I'd tell him first thing, you know!"  
  
"Of course! But this isn't cheating. He's right here."  
  
Still unable to directly look at Chandler, Joey squeezed his shoulder and asked in his ear, "You've always been mad when I hit on her."  
  
Chandler sighed at his touch and his low voice. He ached desperately for more. Maybe Monica did have a chance of talking Joey into this. Could he bear giving up the chance for a kiss? "Joey," he said quietly, "remember, um, remember Chloe? From the Xerox place?"  
  
"With the belly button r--Oh." Joey realized what he meant. "Oh, when she asked us...? Oh." Now he saw that this threesome idea didn't just come out of nowhere.  
  
Monica hugged them all closer. "Chandler told me he's always regretted that you guys didn't ever do that threesome."  
  
"He talked you into it?" Joey asked, surprised that Chandler would have been that bold.  
  
She nodded and laughed again. "It didn't take that much persuasion! Remember when you first moved in, and you and I almost slept together? Remember in London, I came to sleep with you, but Chandler was there instead? You even stood in for Chandler in our engagement picture. I mean, if you think about it, the three of us were sort of *meant* to be together, you know?"  
  
Joey though about that, starting to be swayed. "Just one night?"  
  
"Uh-huh. One amazing night." She kissed his cheek, then finally withdrew from the hug. "Here," she took off her wedding ring. "This will show you we're serious." She reached for Chandler's hand too.  
  
Stunned, Joey watched her remove Chandler's ring too, without the slightest objection from him, and then set both rings down on the table.  
  
"See?" She noticed that the guys still hugged, even though she had let go of them.  
  
Joey stared at the rings, then at Chandler. "You, um," he met Chandler's eyes, "you really want to?"  
  
Chandler nodded shyly and tried to keep his voice level. "If you, if you want to..."  
  
Joey nodded back, and half smiled. He even seemed on the verge of kissing Chandler, before he quickly broke their gaze and turned to Monica. "I, um..." he cleared his throat. "I'll do it."  
  
"Good." Monica took Joey's hand and pulled him to his feet, motioning for Joey to take Chandler's hand too.  
  
Joey did, and they all headed tensely into the master bedroom. Monica worried about Joey turning away from the kiss. She hoped it wasn't a bad sign for Chandler. 


	4. The Doing

The Bings sat at opposite sides of the bed, and Joey sat at the foot, starting to take off his shoes and socks already. In an effort to comfort her husband, Monica pulled him close and kissed his lips gently. "No harm done," she whispered.  
  
Joey watched them, noticing Chandler's tension and feeling strangely unsure of himself. His previous threesomes had only been with women, and besides, these were his friends. "Chandler?" he asked quietly. "Should we--are there rules? I won't do anything that you don't want me to."  
  
Chandler frowned at the memory of their previous discussion of rules and looked away.  
  
Monica changed the subject, "Wait, um, aren't you a little overdressed, Joey?" She gestured at his remaining clothes. "Strip for us, and then we'll show you what's underneath our robes."  
  
She tugged playfully at the ties of her robe, and Joey had to admit he was curious. So he got up from the bed and started to unbutton his shirt.  
  
"I've already seen Chandler naked," he shrugged, glancing at Chandler as if to reassure him. "We were roommates."  
  
"That's right!" Monica followed Joey's gaze. "And he's already seen you naked too."  
  
Chandler tried not to overtly watch Joey strip, but then he made an involuntary sound. Joey was more muscular than he remembered. "You--you've been working out?" he commented softly.  
  
Joey paused as he took off his shirt. "Oh, yeah." He stared at Chandler staring at him. "I, um, I guess it has been a few years since you've seen me." He looked thoughtful. "I guess you've changed too."  
  
It was almost sweet, this halting flirtation between them, as if they were blushing virgins. Why didn't it ever go anywhere before? Whatever the cause, she was determined to overcome the impasse tonight.  
  
Noticing Monica watching them, Joey gave an embarrassed cough and finally looked away. He continued getting naked, and briefly sat down to take off his pants.  
  
Chandler ached for the kiss already, and ached to touch Joey again, like he had years ago when Joey had a hernia and need help showering. Sure, the hernia wasn't particularly pleasant, but lathering up the rest of him and getting wet together was bliss. It was the stuff his repression was made from. Now Chandler struggled to remember the details and to relive them if he could.  
  
Joey finished and resumed his place on the bed. Which Bing did he look at more?  
  
Monica smiled. "So, um, who do you want to see first?"  
  
Joey hesitated, glancing at Chandler, but then he decided to be cautious. "You. You, Monica. Of course."  
  
Vexed, she realized that Joey had made the mistake of rejecting Chandler again, just as he had turned away from the kiss before. Oh, why couldn't he work *with* her plan?  
  
Joey looked expectantly at her. "Should I--?" he came nearer.  
  
"No!" she sat back nervously and tried to collect herself. Taking a breath, she grudgingly untied her robe and flashed Joey briefly, before tying it shut again. "I, um, I'm sorry," she blushed sincerely. "I guess I'm more nervous than I thought."  
  
Joey reassured her, "It's okay." He knew he was the most experienced of the three of them. "We can take things slow. If you want to talk about rules--"  
  
"Wait!" Monica headed off that conversation. "No, it's Chandler's turn, remember? Chandler, honey?" She nudged him with an elbow.  
  
Chandler blushed and wasn't sure if he could.  
  
Monica shrugged and suggested, "Joey, um, maybe you could help him?"  
  
Joey was puzzled by how she could be timid personally yet brazen when it concerned her husband. "If he doesn't really want to..."  
  
She pouted. "But I just did it! I mean, open and shut at least. Is that too much to ask?" She impatiently untied Chandler's robe herself and opened it for Joey.  
  
Chandler tensed at feeling Joey's eyes scanning him as they hadn't done since Susie Moss trapped Chandler in a bathroom stall wearing nothing but a g-string. Joey had openly stared and mocked then. What was he doing now?  
  
"All right," Joey cleared his throat and reached to tie the robe shut again. Monica had left it open much longer than her own robe. "Here, let me." He wrapped Chandler securely and tied his robe again, half glancing at his face. "You're all right?" he asked. "Not scared?"  
  
Chandler shrugged, his eyes averted. "I, um," he tried to explain. "I'm nervous. I'm, um, new..."  
  
"I know, I know," Joey reassured. Why did Chandler ever suggest having this threesome? He didn't seem ready at all.  
  
Joey sat back and frowned. "Look, if you've changed your mind or something, I can, I can just go..."  
  
"Joey, wait!" Monica was frustrated. "No! Just stay a little longer. We want you to."  
  
He shook his head. "No, I thought, I thought this might work, but--"  
  
"Kiss him!"  
  
"I'm not gonna kiss you."  
  
"No, I said kiss *him*!"  
  
"What?" he stopped and turned around.  
  
Monica nodded, glad to get his attention. "Kiss Chandler for me, please."  
  
He blinked at her. "Wh-why?"  
  
Monica noticed that he moved his hand to obscure his groin. She shrugged innocently and glanced at her husband, who sat there completely still. "Um, yeah, you know how you guys are always fantasizing about lesbians? Well, Chandler and I were talking about what would happen tonight, and he promised me that you guys would kiss for me."  
  
"Kiss for you?"  
  
"Yes! Women get turned on by men together! I want to see you kiss."  
  
Joey stared at her, trying to restrain his interest in the idea, then he finally turned to Chandler. "You, um, you want to?"  
  
Chandler's hopes rose again. "Y-yes," he answered softly.  
  
Joey inched carefully closer. "It, um, it can be like New Year's, you know?"  
  
"No, you have to use your tongues!" Monica insisted. "We agreed on one minute, with tongue!"  
  
"What?" Joey turned to her with a frown.  
  
Monica nodded. "The more you do, the more you turn me on. Right, Chandler?"  
  
Her husband nodded, his eyes still fixed on Joey. Was he going to refuse?  
  
Joey looked at Chandler and remained cautious. "You sure?"  
  
God, yes. Joey was so naked and so near now. Chandler just nodded again, not trusting his voice.  
  
"It's just a kiss!" Monica added. "The lesbians in your fantasies do a lot more, I bet."  
  
Joey wondered why Chandler didn't speak up more. "I don't want you to be afraid of me--"  
  
"No talking!" Monica demanded.  
  
"Monica!" he scolded, then met Chandler's eyes again, worried. "Just say something."  
  
Chandler finally managed, "Kiss me."  
  
Joey blinked, surprised and pleased. "O-okay."  
  
"Good!" Monica smiled, waiting. Realizing that she needed a prop, she turned and got a watch from the nightstand. "Start whenever you're ready. I'll time you."  
  
Joey took a breath and leaned slowly nearer to Chandler, watching his face like he had on the couch. Chandler closed his eyes and waited. Softly at first, Joey lightly brushed his lips against Chandler's, until, after a pause, he raised a hand to pull Chandler closer, opening his mouth and sliding his tongue inside.  
  
A warm, wet kiss, infinitely richer than their New Year's kiss years ago. Chandler could smell and taste Joey intimately. Was it a cologne or aftershave he detected? Was he breathing through his nose anymore, or through Joey? Chandler already felt the blood leaving his brain and was glad he was wearing a robe that could hide his arousal. He sighed and tried not to moan Joey's name yet.  
  
Monica didn't even look at the watch in her hand, just waiting for some sign that the guys would definitely be all right after this kiss, and wouldn't just retreat from it with that macho, distant behavior that they always adopted when people made suggestive jokes about their relationship. She knew Chandler was literally half mad with desire already, and a major disappointment could wound him further.  
  
For an actor who'd lost a movie role once for not being able to kiss a guy convincingly, Joey was passionate, if guarded. He wanted to be able to pull away at any moment and not seem to cling to Chandler. Still, he caught himself starting to moan a little, making an indistinct "Mmm" sound against Chandler's lips.  
  
Chandler moaned back and dared to sit a little closer. Joey felt the movement and blinked. He let his other hand reach up and pull Chandler even closer by the collar of his robe.  
  
Chandler started to reach for Joey too, his hand hesitating just before touching Joey's naked chest. Should he?  
  
Joey felt that hand hovering near his skin and glanced at it, wondering if Chandler intended to push him away. Had he gone too far? He broke off the kiss and started to ask, "Chandler?"  
  
"Joey," Chandler answered breathlessly, his eyes still closed.  
  
Joey stared, realizing that Chandler wasn't just picturing his wife. "Chandler!" Joey pulled him close with both hands and kissed him even more deeply than before.  
  
Chandler moaned and gripped both of Joey's shoulders with his hands. The memory of that shared shower was coming back to him in pieces. He felt one of Joey's hands stray down from his face and to his robe again. It didn't stop at the collar, though, and reached from underneath to find what Chandler had been concealing under the robe.  
  
Chandler broke from the kiss to groan at his touch.  
  
Monica could see that things were definitely progressing, and she quickly to tried to get off the bed and leave them alone, but Joey turned at the movement, nervously pulling his hand away.  
  
"Mon? What? Is, is the minute over?"  
  
She blushed. "Uh, yes, but you don't have to stop."  
  
"Huh?" he looked confused and worried. "But, but--" Joey tried to get his mind working again, and seemed ashamed of how he was caught. "I shouldn't-- He's your husband."  
  
"And I'm his wife, yet you wanted to do me."  
  
"I know, but--"  
  
Chandler hushed Joey and urgently turned him back for a kiss. "Touch me," he begged, encouraging the explorations of Joey's hand.  
  
Joey couldn't understand his brazenness in front of his wife, but let himself be pulled onto the bed on top of Chandler. "She'll, she'll think--" he tried to protest.  
  
Monica intervened one last time. "Go ahead," she said. "Go on. It's--it's your turn." She backed away and quickly slipped out the door.  
  
So the threesome became a intimate twosome, and it was too late for Monica to ask them to move out of her marriage bed. It seemed like a sign that their marriage was always doomed to end.  
  
With a sigh, she tried to look on the bright side; at least Chandler wasn't acting like a scary maniac anymore. Now he was just... a man in love, she supposed. Oh well, at least she could always switch the bed with the one in the guest room. Maybe she'd even just switch rooms, because of all the memories, good and bad, in the master bedroom.  
  
As Monica cleaned up in the living room, she heard Chandler moan "Joey" again just like he had on the tape, but with the right person this time. Leaving the wedding rings on the table, she blew out the last few candles, and then went into the guest room. This room was far too close to the other bedroom, though, so she took blankets and pillows from the bed before going across the hall to sleep on Joey's couch.  
  
As she settled in, she pondered how completely their lives would change in the morning. Tomorrow they'd have to somehow explain all this to the rest of their friends and family, but for now this secret belonged to just the three of them, like other secrets in the past.  
  
***  
  
Tangled in the bed-sheets, with the bathrobe long since discarded on the floor, Joey and Chandler caught their breaths at last.  
  
Joey asked the burning question in his mind, "Why, why didn't Monica mind?" Even she must know the difference between a threesome and a twosome.  
  
Chandler kissed him and met his eyes, "Because we're, we're divorcing."  
  
"What?" Joey sat up, looking concerned.  
  
He nodded and confessed quietly against Joey's shoulder, tracing the warm muscles with his fingers. "She found out... that I was gay."  
  
Joey stared at him, and brushed his hands through Chandler's hair. "You mean--you mean this wasn't just about tonight?"  
  
Chandler shrugged. "You're not mad, are you? About the trick?"  
  
"What? No." Joey kissed Chandler reassuringly, but remained confused. "I thought, I thought you loved her. She made you so happy."  
  
"I thought so too, but..." He sighed and held Joey closer, looking regretful. "If, if only it had been you and me in London..."  
  
Joey frowned. "I just, I thought you'd be scared of me. You always seemed--"  
  
Chandler nodded. "I *was* scared... of you, of me, of all this."  
  
Joey kissed him and caressed his face with worry. "Not any more, right? 'Cause I'd never, never hurt you, you know?"  
  
Chandler smiled shyly. "I know." He asked cautiously, "Can I, can I move back in with you?"  
  
Joey blinked, remembering about the divorce. "Oh, um, sure. I mean, yes. Of course!" He sighed distractedly. "I just feel bad, about Monica and everything... What about the baby?"  
  
"She's not pregnant yet. She talked about maybe getting a sperm donor."  
  
"Aw, really?!" Joey felt more guilty. He always thought Monica should have a great husband to father her kids. Now it seemed that she'd would be doing everything on her own. Joey wondered if there was such a thing as a three-way marriage. His father, his mother, and his father's mistress had seemed to work something out, after all.  
  
Chandler shrugged, watching Joey's eyes. "We can help her out with the kid, if she wants us to," he offered. "I mean, she doesn't seem so angry anymore, and she made you godfather, right?"  
  
"Right." But Joey still frowned. "It's weird, being the other... man."  
  
Chandler nodded and held him closer. "But you still want to?"  
  
Joey kissed him and replied softly, "Yeah." 


End file.
